"Well... fuck you then..."

Those are the famous words said to my brother that made him eternally write-off any future friendship with the person who said them. Even though I know the destructive power of those words, I can't stop thinking those words when people do something to wrong me in my mind.

Tonight I had a well needed conversation with my friend Jen. I'm not sure what it is with her, but whenever we hang out, it feels like our conversations flow so easily into intellectual, psychological, or sociological subjects. It feels like when we talk, none of us skip a beat and can follow the thought pattern that the other person throws out so easily. Maybe we're both really agreeable, who knows? Along with these conversations comes a natural comfort level with being able to speak honestly into each other's lives as a friend.

We got onto the topic of my tendency to keep people accountable (and that's putting it nicely). What I tend to do is let people know when something irritates me or pisses me off. Anyone who knows me really well knows that I like to analyze people and pick apart the things that annoy me or that I feel are bad qualities about that person. Let me be clear before we go on, these bad qualities aren't just things that I deemed as bad. Instead they are qualities that don't tend to be socially valued or accepted (ie: being habitually late, talking about one self all the time, etc). I tried to rationalize with her that I do this to make a bucket list for myself of things NOT to do in order to avoid being a douchebag.

What I didn't realize in all of this was the effect that it was having on other people's perception of me. After all, who enjoys hanging out with the guy who is always negative and tells you things he doesn't like about you? Not only would this hamper the fun times you hang out with the guy, but it would also make them hesitant about calling you out for drinks in the first place.

The strict side of me would say 'If I don't make them aware of it, what stops the cycle from continuing and the frustration mounting?' My approach was if it's broken, I should tell them that it's broken so that they can fix it. I figured as long as I was approaching it in a nice way, I couldn't be faulted. If they aren't willing to take my helpful advice or change their ways, that would be the point where I said 'Well... fuck you then... I'm gonna go find someone who has common courtesy.'

That's when Jen dropped some huge knowledge bombs on me (I could be going off script here, so don't take these as direct quotes):

"You have to think of what is positive and what are the redeeming qualities of the person. If they are a really good friend, then it is worth looking past those negative qualities. And the person who can look past those flaws and be friends with everyone tends to be the most popular or liked person around." (Okay I totally summarized her actual quote with that last sentence. That was definitely not exactly what she said).

It really began to occur to me that it's not about keeping people accountable and breaking cycles of bad habits, that's not my job. My job is to understand people's flaws and accept them and move on. I like to think of it as a best case / worst case scenario:

Pointing out flaws:

Best Case Scenario: Your friends understand what you're pointing out and they work on fixing it just in time for you to point out another flaw that you saw. Then they start doing the same to you and everyone becomes self-conscious.

Worst Case Scenario: Your friends realize that you are a buzzkill and that they don't enjoy being told about their shortcomings. You say 'Well... fuck you then' and you move on to try and find other friends, who you can't become friends with because you do the same thing to them.

Accepting people for who they are:

Best Case Scenario: There aren't many flaws to begin with so it isn't really hard to ignore them. You have a fun time with friends (yay!).

Worst Case Scenario: There are specific things that piss you off about your friends and you're trying your hardest not to point them out. You end up hanging out with your friends regardless of the flaw, even though it really annoys you.

Looking at the worst case scenarios of both decisions, the latter one is still better off seeing as they still have friends in the end.

I guess what I'm trying to say in a long convoluted way is that I have an EXTREMELY bad tendency to look for flaws, and then react to them when I see them. I'm going to try my best in this next month not to see those flaws but to see the brighter side of people. I'm hoping that by not focusing or analyzing so much on flaws, that they become less apparent and annoying to me.

So if you see me pointing out a flaw in someone that pisses me off, this is your permission slip to kick my ass. Because that's where all this madness starts.