Hammering out some random thoughts

I'm just about to head out to the gym but there were a couple of thoughts I needed to get off my chest before then. As usual, I'll put them in one of my point form blogs of random thoughts and ideas.

Recently I was asked what would be one word to best describe myself and I think I finally came up with the answer. The word I would use would be:

Meticulous: taking or showing extreme care about minute details.

In fact I'm so meticulous in nature that I had to look up the word to make sure that I had the right spelling and that I also understood the definition correctly. But I think the biggest part of my meticulous side comes out in my thoughts and how I always wonder the cause and effect relationship between things I might do/say/feel. I like to know what makes me feel a certain way, why I would want to feel that way, and if it's completely rational for a normal person to feel that way given a cause and effect.

Anyway just keep that in mind, since most of my thoughts are structured in that way, except backwards (effect: what caused it?)

Random thoughts:

- The Walking Dead is a great TV series. I haven't had this much fun watching a dramatic series since 24 or Flashpoint. To me it just has everything you need to make a great show: mystery (where did the zombies come from? what happened?), great characters (you can sympathize with almost every character you come across and their situation, which I think Breaking Bad lacked), commentary about the human condition and hope, great acting, and suspense. Also one thing that's refreshing is that they've taken the 24 approach to their cast, meaning that they aren't afraid to off any of their characters at any point. Pretty much means no one is safe, which makes sense since it is a zombie apocalypse. Oh and add in the fact that the show has zombies. Wicked show, make sure you watch the first season.

- I've realized that I'm an asshole to most of my ex-girlfriends or people that I've dated. My only reasoning why this might happen is because I invest a large amount of emotion into my personal relationships. When they don't work out, I guess I fall out of them even harder. The higher up you are, the bigger the fall? I knew a friend that once said that he would never invest so much love into any one of his girlfriends from that point on, because if/when it doesn't work, he would have to pick up even more of the pieces. Should I be adopting the same philosophy? It's about treading that fine line between having fun with dating without taking advantage of someone else's feelings. Back to the point at hand, maybe I feel like I have to disconnect myself so much from that ex so that feelings or emotions don't resurface.

Given my last ex, yeah the break-up was clean. But lately she's spending more time with my friends than I am, and it aggravates me. Is it reasonable for me to be pissed off? Some say yes, some say no. But I do find myself thinking about it more often than I like. The question becomes if this is coming from a jealous nature, or if this is coming from a frustration that I can't quite close the door as much as I'm used to? I can't fault my friends for hanging out with her if I don't know why it pisses me off can I?

- Brings up another point. Can ex's really be friends? I haven't seemed to do it successfully yet. Not to say that I don't keep in touch with ex's, but they aren't the people I spend my time with. And even if this were possible, should ex's be friends? My gut answer says no, but hey that's my biased opinion shining through.

- Music is a powerful tool. When you feel like crap, the right song can cheer you up or stimulate some deep thinking. My go-to songs/artists would be: anything by Lights (she has a cool deeper sound that really compliments the pitch of her voice. Lyrics/tone/tempo all give an unreal experience), John Mayer (has always been a big stress reliever artist for me, and I think his music is completely underrated. He has a funky way of having slower music being fun and catchy), and Jason Mraz (specifically 'A Beautiful Mess'). Great playlist for me right now.

- Is there something in my resume that pops out of the screen and says 'Don't hire this man!'? Maybe my resume has a virus in it somehow, and employers get pissed when it infects their computer forever deleting it and instantly emptying the recycle bin. I have a sneaking suspicion that my resume is flawed somehow, not in its content, but in the technicalities (ex: the format isn't readable, the spacing is all wrong when they open it). I mean when I've applied for exactly 99 jobs now and haven't been offered a job, it shakes your confidence just a little bit. 'I got 99 applications, and I don't have a job. Fuck me.' That's a song spoof, in case you didn't pick up on that.

- I've gone to a couple of interviews where the job doesn't sound as appealing as I hoped. Usually talks about cold calling and commission based salary are good enough to make me second guess the job. But is that the nature of my industry? Isn't that going to be inherent in any recruitment agency job I'm looking for? To what extent to I give up my idea of my ideal job, and accept the realities of cold calling or other crappy parts?

- Also where does the second guessing come from? I could list off a number of things it could come from: 1) Going into a job I hate, 2) Realizing that HR isn't my field at all, 3) Feeling like I'm settling on a job (which defeats the purpose of quitting the CDI job I settled for a year ago), 4) Failing or being really bad at a job I'm uncomfortable with, 5) Setting myself up for wanting to quit in the near future, prompting my parents to wonder what the fuck is wrong with me and give me the old fashioned Asian treatment. (I don't know what that is, I just made up the term). Should I just go with a job I'm unsure about and see where it leads me? Wouldn't it suck if it lead me to the same point I'm at now? Would that be a better off position than I'm in now? Technically yes I would have the experience, but I would also have quit 2 jobs in a short timespan. When do you stop praying for that magical dream job and just settle with what you've got?

- When did I accept the reality of being chubby? As a teenager, I used to be so proud of the fact that I was a reality slim guy (specifically the gut area), and my body image was important to me. That's what drove me to goto the gym constantly, the fear of getting chubby or fat. Yet here I am years later with a body that would have thrown me into clinical depression back in high school. I could theorize about a bunch of things that make me indifferent about going to the gym and working back to that slim build: 1) I've grown to accept and be comfortable with myself. 2) Arthritis could have gotten worse since then. 3) At this age, it's harder to take off the pounds than put them on. 4) My life is just busier with more things that take higher priority. 5) The gym is harder to access whereas while you're in school, it's in the same building and you're practically 75% there already. 6) Body is wearing down and I associate a lot of my exercises with pain. I don't think I've completely lost the drive to stay in shape, I do get pissed and competitive about when I feel fat and out of shape. But something got derailed along the way and I just feel like I can't do as much about it as I used to be able to. Depressing right?

- I think the definition of meticulous fits me perfectly. I feel like there's an ideal place and time for everything and I strive so hard to only do things when it's the perfect condition to do it. I also need to completely finish something before I move onto the next thing. This can be good or bad depending on the situation. Good: It keeps me focused and motivated. Bad: I get really bad at managing time since I'm so anal about leaving things only when they're completely finished. Two great examples I can rattle off the top of my head are this blog entry (I want to make sure I completely clear my brain of my thoughts, whereas I was supposed to goto the gym 45 minutes ago), and yesterday when I was playing World of Warcraft (yeah I started playing again. It feels good to come clean). While I was playing, it was some ridiculous hour in the morning and I was only 15% to my next lvl. Instead of calling it a night like I should have, I kept going until I got my next lvl, prioritizing my time extremely poorly and ruining any chance of today being productive. That's me folks!

I think that's a majority of what I wanted to get out there.