When do you know something's not right?

So I've been writing my finals as of late. The weird part about it is that while I'm writing the test, instead of thinking or recalling information that I need, I start to think about stuff I'd RATHER be studying than crappy accounting. My mind begins to wander and think about the possibilities for next semester or next year. Maybe take the spring semester off? Maybe I'll major in HR instead? Maybe I should go into a whole new field altogether?!

I feel conflicted right now about how I'm feeling and how I should be feeling. There's the sensible side of it all telling me that I need to focus on the task at hand and finish what I started, blah blah blah, CMA designation. Fine.. But then there's the other side of me that wants to adventure. I'm 22 years old and I've been in school for 18 years of my life. That's pretty crazy if you ask me, and I don't think I'd have as big of a problem over it if I were interested in what I was studying. At this point, the discussion could go way off into other tangents about why I'm going to school to begin with, what AM I interested in; that kind of stuff.

But without this being too long of a blog, I'm starting to wonder if I really want to go ahead with my accounting degree and CMA designation afterwards. What scares me about it all is that this realization is happening so late, and my dad has put in so much hope/money into the idea of me being an accountant. But I mean, it's also equally important that I know what I'm getting into and know if I like it before I lock myself up in more classes for my designation.

I guess the point of it all is that I really need to sit and think about my future at this point in time. I know most people looking at me scratching my head will think, "What's the matter with you?! Just finish your accounting degree first! THEN THINK!" I don't think it's that easy though.

It could be my making up excuses for my laziness, but I almost feel like I'm self-sabotaging myself in completing this degree. I'm either too apathetic about school as a whole right now, or something in me just doesn't want to get through the rest of my degree. My best comparison is that of being a horse and having a carrot dangled in front of you. Sure it looks so close, and the goal seems in reach in no time, but it always turns out that my graduation gets further and further away from me no matter how far I go. I was supposed to graduate last year seeing as it was my fourth year doing the degree, but my schooling didn't go exactly as planned. So I took this extra year telling my parents that I could possibly graduate in April of 08. Now I find myself scheduling for my spring semester and finding that some of my last courses that I need are conflicting times, and because it's Uleth there's only 1 of each course being taught. Meaning, I won't be able to take all the courses I need at the same time, compounded with the fact that I can't get into some of these full classes I need, mixed in with the fact that I may be failing some of the courses I'm currently in. And of course Uleth has now adopted a policy that prevents its students from taking courses from other institutions as long as those same courses are being offered at the Uleth campus. "We promised that we would supply you with the courses, but we didn't guaruntee availability..." FUCK THAT!

It all combines to one big clusterfuck. And it leaves me thinking and playing the guessing game about when I'm ACTUALLY going to graduate. All the while, I look like a big deuche to my parents who I originally took business for, and I'm spending their money on education I couldn't care less about. Which brings me back to where I am now, sitting and wondering if this really is the best way to be doing things. Yeah, it might seem easy to finish my degree at this point, with the addition of a year or so. But it seems equally as simple to tell my parents that I can't do it, something I've never really tried before.. Then my mind wanders and thinks about how my parents would react and what kind of consequences it means for me.

Back to the self-sabotaging, I don't think I clearly explained what I meant. The situation seems so fucked up at the moment that it's becoming very easy for me to lose focus on my studies. Take today, I had the entire day to study for my open book final tmrw which I need to do decently well on. Knowing that I should have, I somehow didn't get ANY studying done today and am in fact staying up longer than I really should have. So what now? Is it right for me to go on like this? Who knows. I could be either fed up, uninterested, or burnt out, but I'm just pretty sure of the fact that something's gotta give..

When I used to hear about those stories about how/why we get reading week, I used to believe that it had to be a joke. Students committing suicide over school? Now I'm starting to see how everything can compound, and I can catch a glimpse of how that's possible.