To Blog Or Note, that is the question...

Ever since I got Facebook, I've had a dilemma about whether I should be blogging or making notes in Facebook. Each have their own advantages of course, like with blogging it will actually appear on my blog and facebook whereas notes let me tag certain people's names that I mention in the note (which is really cool cause it notifies them that they've been mentioned). For now though, I'll stick to the blogging.

I haven't blogged about nothing in a long while, so I think this will be very therapeutic for me. Lately I've just felt like I have more and more intense emotions bottled up inside of me that I've been holding back from sharing with anyone. Unfortunately when I do this, people can often tell that something is up, but can't quite pinpoint what. Hopefully this blog will help me with some of my frustrations.

Here's a list of just random things that I've been thinking about lately:

1) Work sucks. I'm getting deathly scared when I have to actually do bookkeeping for a career and fulltime. Honestly, I don't think that it has as much to do with the occupation itself, but more the circumstances that I deal within. A few examples include the fact that EVERYONE on the church staff is taking summer vacations at one point or another except for me, I still feel underqualified/undertrained for the duties that my position asks of me, I don't realy have a decently deep connection with anyone at the office (I just feel disconnected for some reason), and there's a lot of pressure/stress with the whole financial responsibility with the job. It's a very frustrating job that I unfortunately can't help but take home with me time and time again, and it's definitely more impactful on my life than my Part Time job at F-Shop was. I can't wait to be done at the end of August...

2) My workout plan has gone to complete crap. I'm eating junk all over the place mainly because I'm too lazy and my parents are gone for all the weekday dinners, so I'm pretty much on my own for those. I'm finding that I have some kind of mental block I need to get over when it comes to working out too. It's just so hard for me to work out as my strength has decreased dramatically from where I was at one point, and there's always some kind of injury that's holding me back. It's the strangest feeling when I used to absolutely live for working out, and now I dread it with every ounce of my body. I'm so grateful that I'm back at karate regularily and that I have basketball on the weekends to keep me in whatever shape I can maintain.

3) Things aren't so hot financially. After I've paid some major bills including car insurance and tuition for some summer courses I'm taking, things aren't looking too optimistic for when I plan to stop working during this school year. I really have no idea how much I'm expecting to spend during the school year so it's extremely tough to budget for that.

4) Me and God aren't on great terms. I think this is one of my biggest struggles that I'm going through right now. I'm really really hoping that the Leadership Summit is going to help me get passionate about God again, but honestly I'm finding so many things coming between me and Him. When I analyze the situation like this, it makes me realize the fact that all these other problems I've listed are things that He's put into my life to really test my faith and love to Him. I keep on finding myself in the shame spiral, feeling bad about some of the things that I shouldn't be doing and about what God thinks. This coupled with the fact that I'm having some issues with Gateway at the moment, things definitely aren't healthy.

5) The Girlfriend Issue. I'm still trying to find out my whole stance on dating non-believers. In my mind I keep imagining how fun it would be just to go on dates with whoever I was interested in, no matter what their beliefs are or anything. Realistically, a big part of that fun would be being able to say that I'm dating someone or seeing someone. I just absolutely hate the assumption that because you haven't gone out with someone in a while means that you can just never get a date. I think I'm ready to drop kick the next person who insinuates that I just can't get a date no matter how hard I try. To clarify, that drop kick is directed to any man or woman.


I think it's so important to get some of these frustrations on paper so that you can really see how you're thinking about these problems. I definitely need to spend some time with God to get things straight, and I think the rest is an issue of persistance and commitment. Seeing things in the long run rather than living moment by moment.

It's kind of nice though to be able and say that things aren't going completely alright for once. I find I'm the kind of person who usually hates to take pity on myself and likes to think of the brighter side of everything. "Well at least I'm not some starving kid in Africa". Although this can really put things into perspective at times, it's also equally important to be able to say to yourself that things aren't going well. "Sure I'm not that kid in Africa, but that doesn't mean my life is a complete dream either".

I am pretty confident that today went really well for me though. The fact that I had a chance to force myself to work out and also get a chance to vent out my frustrations on my blog is a huge step. Here's hoping that the weekend just gets even better!