Worst Case Scenarios of the Paranoid Mind

It almost sounds like the title of that movie that Jim Carrey was in with Kate Winslet "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" or something.

Anywho, today was a strange one for me. I'm not sure whether it was due to the lack of sleep for the past couple of days (which will carry on again for tomorrow), or if it's the fact that I had to start school early, but my mind just wasn't with it. I started to for whatever reason become very paranoid at the slightest things that I saw around me. The best description I can give is if anyone else remembers back in elementary as a kid, it was the typical stereotype not to mess with any boys from grades that were higher than you. The common conception was:

Grade 6 > All other elementary grades
THEREFORE
Don't mess!

But being the kid I was, I started taking karate when I was in grade 3, and thought I was a tough guy. So whenever I'd see a grade 6 guy who was obviously bigger than me walking in the distance, I'd start to size him up to see if I could take him. And to add to the paranoia, if I had to cross pathes with that guy for whatever reason, I would prepare myself for the situation if after we had walked past each other, that he would turn around and try to punch me. So it's safe to say I did a lot of thinking and strategizing as a kid, and I always remembered turning around after everytime I past the guy while my scenario didn't pan out, I would turn and give him the "Yeah that's what I THOUGHT!" smirk.

Well today, it seems like my mind frame was magically transformed back to that of my previous grade 3 childhood years. I'll explain the funny day I had. (turns out to be a lot longer than planned)

The whole thing started when I left work to take the bus to my school downtown. I guess what had triggered my paranoia for the day was that earlier in the morning I was really trying to debate whether or not to buy a cheap laptop from work or not. I figured that it'd be something nice and cheap I'd be able to bring to school so that I could fool around and waste my time on the internet in class (much like I'm doing now instead of getting sleep). That's when I got to thinking, "Well I can't really use the laptop on the bus or LRT because then some punk kids will jump me and steal it." I was initially scared of this happening because I had a coworker tell me 2 weeks ago that he had gotten mugged at knife point on the LRT for his really sweet wireless headphones. So this started to make me wonder what I would do if I was ever in that situation, and the kinds of things that I could do to prevent that from happening.

So I get on the bus headed to the Belvedere LRT. Being as brilliant as ever, while I'm thinking about being mugged, I decide that this is a good time to bring out my new ipod video and take in an episode of american dad during the trip. So as I'm watching this, not only do I look psycho to everyone on the bus for laughing at my ipod, but I'm only half watching the episode because I'm too busy eyeing everyone else to make sure no one's taking notice of me or plans on stalking me.

Finally I get to Belvedere LRT station. I decide to listen to some music instead so it's not so blatent that I have something expensive in my pocket. Keep in mind that it's about 5 or 5:30 and it's starting to get dark out. I listen to my music in peace, and nothing too much happens on my ride there.

Now I goto class. Being the first class of our new semester, everyone's kinda edgy because they don't recognize anyone else in the class, and everyone is there 20 minutes before class because of the universal unwritten rule about going to your first class of the course way too early for your own good. So everyone just sits in their own declared corner of the room trying not to pull any attention from anyone. Then 2 girls show up and sit behind me. One starts talking about how the classroom looks really really old, and how it stinks of B.O. compared to her first class. Then there's a period of silence, some slight whispers I can't make out, then they both burst out laughing. Here's what I'm thinking:

"B.O.? What the hell? I don't smell it. Dammit, is it me they're talking about then? Do I really stink that badly? But why would I though, I changed clothes from work, and I'm not all sweaty or anything. But really, who else is there? I'm the only one sitting right in front of me. DAMMIT! Ahh shit now they're laughing at me I bet, fricken...... I hate this class...."

Finally class starts and the instructor tells us to put the name we prefer to be called on these special stand up name cards that she brought to class. You don't know how tempted I was to put something stupid like "Ninja" or some totally fake name on mine. But I resisted the urge, and I just put my name. After I put my name I look around and realize how nicely everyone put their names on their tags and how they had centered there's. Then I took another look at my name holder and mine was totally written on the left hand side of the paper all retarded looking.

"Ahh dammit! How could I mess up on writing my name on a piece of paper? Now everyone's gonna think I'm a retard for the fact that I can't even write my name neatly! Oh man, this is a fancy name card. She'll probably want us to keep these for the rest of our classes, frick I'm screwed...."

The class goes on and on when suddenly my cell phone starts to vibrate while it's on my desk and makes this muffled vibrating sound! I take a look at it and see that it's a call from home.

"MAN! I already told Mom that I was in class tonight! Why the hell would she call me again especially in the middle of my class?! What the hell, this is so stupid! Oh well I'll just silence it and it'll stop...."

I press the ignore button and put the cell back on my desk. Sure enough 10 seconds later the phone starts to vibrate against my desk again! I take another look at the caller ID..

"No no, it can't be. WHAT THE HELL?!?! She's calling AGAIN?!?! Didn't she get the message the first time? I'm IN CLASS! FRICK so annoying!"

So I silence it as soon as possible. The class ends, and on my way back to the LRT station I find out that it was Tom calling both of those times. That bastard.... So I get into the Corona station which is in the heart of downtown, and as I'm waiting for my train, I put on my ipod again.

"Ok ok, don't draw any attention. It's almost 9 at night, you don't want to draw attention to the fact that you have an ipod video in your pocket. Just don't take it out and listen to whatever plays....... Aww man my playlist just ended. Of all the fricken luck! Ok I'll just bring it slightly out of my pocket and change songs...... Ok good..... What was that? Those 2 native punks are eyeing me. Those two must be up to no good! Hmm it's not likely that they're armed, I think I could take those two. Let's see, if I were to get into a fight which kick would be my strongest? Definitely my sidekick, oh man I'm totally gonna sidekick that guy with the bandana if he does anything...."

Suddenly the train pulls in. I step in and we start heading back towards the Belvedere station. As we get through a couple of downtown stations, I start to think.

"Man it's a good thing those guys went into a different car as me. It still feels like something's wrong though, did I forget to do something? Well I don't think I forgot anything cause my wallet is still here and everything's still in my pockets. Hmm what could it be? (feel around my pockets). Ok there's my wallet, the bus tickets I bought today....................wait a minute.... Shit did I forget to get a ticket validated? Aww dammit they're all in the booklet still. What's the worst that could happen? Wait didn't they just raise the fine for not having LRT fare on the train? It's like almost 200 bucks now! Fuck this isn't good! Ok ok hold on now, I mean really do they ever check the tickets on the LRT? What are the chances that anyone's gonna check for my ticket anyway?"

At that moment we stop off at central station and I see the reflection of 2 ETS security personnel stepping into my car off the plastic advertisement.

"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! OHHHHH SHIT!! What are the fricken chances?!?! Oh man I'm screwed, I'm so screwed..... They could be just escorting someone to their car when they get to an LRT station, but I didn't see them get in the LRT with anyone. Ohhh man what am I gonna do?!?! Wait, maybe I should get off the next stop and validate my ticket, then they could fine me. Man why does Belvedere have to be so far?! No I'll only start heading towards the door if I see them coming towards me in the reflection. Wait but what if there's no station by then? Won't it be obvious? Man, this is totally not fair at all!! The one time I forget to pay and I'm gonna get fined! There are so many other freeloaders who do this all the time on purpose and they don't get screwed! I even have the tickets in my pocket! Ohh man what to do what to do...... Oh hey what if I use my FOB accent?! They can't fine me if I didn't UNDERSTAND the rules. I'll just pretend like I'm those other FOBs who almost got busted last time! Yeah I mean can they really fine me as someone who doesn't speak good english or doesn't understand? Or maybe I could show them my transfer from this morning! Then when they see it's expired, I'll be at the door running already! Hmm, would I ever make it? I wonder how fast these guys can run or what they'd do if they suddenly saw me bolt? Would they call for backup or something? Do they even have backup? No this is stupid, why am I thinking about this? Ok well when they see the expired transfer, I can just act confused and say that's what the bus driver gave me! Yeah well I mean it would be lying to them, but what difference does it make when I intended on paying and that I'll be paying once I get to the Belvedere bus station anyhow! Ohhh man I hope they don't walk over here."

So here I am sitting there all quiet trying not to attract any attention while at the same time trying to act natural. We get to the Stadium station, and finally the two get off. WHEW!!

After a bus ride to northgate and then to my house I have one more moment where I ring the bell to get off near my house, and this older black guy (probably tom's age) is obviously standing in my way in front of the rear door. Although he knows I want to get out he doesn't move at all.

"Fricken guy, get out of my way! I rang the bell, and when passengers ring the bell that means they want to get off in case you didn't know! It's so obvious that you don't want to get off at the same stop as me because you're not facing the door. What's your problem?!"

Bus comes to my stop, door opens, I squeeze by the guy and get off the bus.

"That was retarded.. What the hell is he looking at? Why is he staring at me? Smug bastard, he probably did that on purpose for whatever reason. Wait were my zipper pockets open? My wallet was in one of them (pat my pocket) whew it's still there. I wouldn't be surprised if that homo took something of mine, what a jerk...."

And then I went home....


Yes long story but I hope it was at least slightly amusing. I had the idea for the blog as the LRT incident was going on and I thought it'd make a good blog just to have that moment alone. But looking back at it, I was a paranoid guy all day today, so it only made sense to blog the whole thing. And now it's 45 minutes passed the time I wanted to goto bed. Great stuff....