Yeah it's been a while since the last blog, sorry to those few people that actually check back frequently looking for an update. The only thing I can attribute this lack of blogging to is laziness and fooling myself that I don't have enough time. This one is gonna be a long and significant one, so I’m gonna put it into Microsoft Word now before I regret it later. Anyhow here we are.

Just before I start rambling, I just wanted to point out the more frequently updated blogs that might be interesting to check out. I know Kev has been updating every single day for a while now, and it's always very intriguing to see what he has to talk about. When you read it, you just can't help but post a comment on the tagboard about your own thoughts. Of course there's always Ryan's blog where it's interesting to see what a fully pledged student is up to. I don't mean this in any kind of insulting way, in fact I think he's the hardest working student that I know at the moment. Just with all of the things that he has to deal with, makes you look at your own schedule and not take it for granted. And of course this is the place that is also accepting Project Halo 2 registration, but more on that later. Also, a welcome to Danny is called for as he started his own blog.

Also another thing that I wanted to get out of my head before I forget is just a few random stray thoughts that I've been having about life. When I say life I mean life as in school, work, friends/family, religion, the whole cha-bang. These thoughts are more just questions that I've been asking myself lately and that I need to get out in the open for my own sanity.

1) Am I a full-fledged Christian? When I say this, I mean can I really call myself a pure Christian? This has always been a grey area for me. I know it might come surprising to some of you to hear this from me, as I like to play the role of Christian when it comes to friends and family, but deep inside it just feels unsettling. How much do I really know about Christianity in itself? I may not know much about it, so call it blind faith or whatever you want, but I tend to stay within the parameters to as much of a degree as I know how. But what about those areas that I don’t know? It’s been an issue that’s haunted me for a long time, the fact that whenever someone asks a deeper spiritual question about my faith, I’m not usually able to come up with an answer.

It really is a bigger issue than many ppl may think. The fact that I hold my religion above anything else to the best of my ability, and yet I don’t know anything about it drives me nuts! It’s like revolving your entire life around something, yet having no expertise in the field. I know that the ppl reading this right now are just simply saying “So what? Go and learn more, read the Bible!” but for me it just doesn’t seem that simple. With school in full swing, work on the weekends, karate classes throughout the week, and now with drama on the side (more on that later), it just doesn’t seem like I can fit it in the equation. That’s what I tell myself at least. But really, when it comes down to it, am I just making an excuse? Is it that maybe I’m not yet ready to fully accept Christ into my life, or that I’m more worried about myself than God? These are the questions that scare the hell out of me at night.

When it comes down to it, I really do think that there is something that’s holding me back. Perhaps my sinful ways that I’d rather not expose to the Lord. But what frightens me even more is the fact that every time I go to church and worship Him, it just doesn’t seem like I belong there or that I deserve to be there. Yet I pretend my way through like everything is fine, and I feel like I’m lying to everyone there. Maybe it’s just a moment of low self-esteem, or a test from God itself, but whatever it is has to be dealt with soon enough.

On this note, I’ve decided to take part in the December Baptism at my church this year. I hope that it’ll finally bring peace to my mind, and let myself become closer to God.

2) Relationships. So what do you do from here? Well, the last relationship I was in is two long years back in the past. Sure, I can act really confident and optimistic about it on the outside, but you can only have so much optimism with the luck that I’ve been having since then.

I mean, I know that so many people hate hearing about it over and over again. It’s like a broken record, even to me: “Me and Christine this, me and Christine that”. Even I’m so sick and tired of that bullshit. But looking at what’s happened these past two years, a guy needs a security blanket to fall back on when times are tough. As fucked up as it may sound, I guess that is my security blanket.

The main problem in the whole scheme of things is the thought that just keeps playing back in my mind: “What am I doing wrong?” To me there has to be something missing or something wrong when you’ve struck out as many times as I have. No matter what, I’ll always hear non-stop from friends “Just be patient. You’ll meet her, everything will be fine.” Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to hear stuff like that from close friends, but how much worth does it really have coming from them? I mean, almost all of my friends have found their significant others, and it’s not like they can tell me what I’m doing wrong. In a way they’re looking from the other side of the fence, the side that has made it, the side that found what they were looking for. While I’m stuck on the other side hoping to merely get a response itself, whether it be positive or negative. You know you’ve hit pretty low when you don’t even get a response from someone for over a month. Yeah, although it may sound truly sad, that’s where I am.

Now that I think of it, this is almost long enough for two blogs. But I figure since I’m already typing, I may as well get out everything I need to for self-therapy. (Caution: VERY LONG and boring blog.) I guess it’s a little late for that…

3) School. Yep, no depressing on-going rant could be without school. School seems to be the bane of the student’s existence. Referring back to an old blog I made about it being our “full-time job”, it kinda makes sense that it would stress us out so much. Me? Well actually I’m not at that stage yet. It just doesn’t seem to get to me as much as it gets to some other people I know. The main scare I’m having is why. Why do I not get stressed about school as much? Is it because maybe I just don’t let it after hearing the many anti-stress messages from Ryan’s blog? Or maybe I have an easier degree? Many people have said that Business is an easy degree to take. Yet many of my classmates are stressing out almost equally as much. Or, despite my greatest efforts, is it maybe because I stopped caring? This is the part that scares me.

Like every other blog out there, I’ve always had my share of self-motivational messages for myself whenever I get into a slump. “Keep the momentum going!” to quote Bill Smith. But is it quite possible that perhaps I don’t appreciate school enough or take it seriously enough for it to make a huge impact on me? I think it is. I’m actually quite sure of it.

Now the question is. What do I do about it? Well I could always give my big 30 minute self-motivating spiel. Or for once, I could rethink my priorities, instead of forcing myself to focus on something I may not even be interested in. This big revelation is partly due to the fact that I just realized recently how much potential there is for someone to learn skills outside of school. Back then I thought school was the end all be all of everything. But suddenly, this hunger for something more, something more practical to life started to come inside of me. Now I’m finding myself wanting to learn anything else BUT school. This kind of stuff may include seemingly useless skills such as massage therapy, cooking, swimming, and drama, but it still seems so much more appealing than the old nose to the grind stone textbook protocol.

My main fear about this is to end up in Kevin’s predicament. Again meaning no offence to Kevin, it’s not like I’m saying he lives an inferior life or anything, but he just seems much more adaptable to that kind of life than I would be. My scare is that I’ll come to the revelation of not wanting to continue school, and not achieve the marks needed just out of carelessness. Then of course, after being kicked out of school, I’ll find that after a year or two, that the non-academic life isn’t the life for me. I know that Kev has been talking about going back to school, but as for myself I just don’t think I could recover from a break of school. And by saying this I mean pushing myself to go back to school or work as hard as I used to. It’s just not me.


I was gonna mention about some other events that have occurred such as the election and stuff like that, but it just seems to pale in comparison about the things I had to go over. I’m sorry for anyone who expected a regular blog following the “What’s new” format, but I just had to put something on the page. Until next time…