I had posted earlier about how crappy my day was, and how my motivation for school has gone down, so I thought I'd elaborate on the school topic. Of course, this is not primarily for the entertainment of everyone, but more of just self therepy. Oh my gosh I don't even know how to spell that word, midlife crisis indeed.... But of course, everyone is allowed to read out of interest, I'll just forewarn you that the whole thing won't be too interesting...

So I think the whole root of the problem is motivation and lack of time management. We had learnt earlier that lack of time management can lead to stress as well as break down, and I can really see that happening right now. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm not bouncing off the wall with stress, but I know that my future at University is in dire jeopardy if I don't pick up the pace. I think that's what I'm ultimately afraid of. If I don't get my conditional acceptance to the U this year, my brother has just been going ON and ON about how second year is the hardest to base your marks on. So really it's come to the grade 12 syndrome again, where if you don't do good enough, you're screwed. Personally I don't think I work too well under that kind of stress because I'm not one that's good at looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. To put it bluntly, I think I give up in any case where it seems near impossible to achieve my goals. For that particular frame of mind, I think I can attribute that to just a second instinct of mine that says, "well if you're not gonna make it anyway, why bother wasting your time trying.." And I know it's a horrible way of looking at it, seeing as there's ALWAYS a possibility, but I just can't help it...

Also, although I hate to admit it, but I think I'm the kind of guy who needs a push every now and then to work at full potential. I just find myself losing motivation or drive after so long, to the point where I need to draw it from somewhere else, let it be competition, encouraging words from friends, or reminders of what I'm really working towards. I just remember like 2 sundays ago when my dad talked to me about staying up late. He said that he didn't want to see me doing it again because I'm in school now and I should know what I should be aiming for. That talk really hit home because me and my dad don't have many personal conversations about school or anything of the sort, so it seemed almost like a gem of information that he was almost obligated to pass down to me. You know how ppl say that if there's a quiet person that barely ever speaks, and the odd times they do speak, it must have a huge meaning to it. Well yeah, that's how I kind of found this information.

I think another huge factor for my lack of motivation is my lack of competition at MacEwan. I'm not saying that there aren't any smart ppl here, but just that there isn't anyone that I can compare to myself and that I'm close enough with. I know some ppl at Grant Mac. that could stir up some competitiveness in me, but it's just that their lives are soo much different in the offtime that it doesn't feel personal at all, or even genuine. Another reason why I'm looking forward to coming to the U.

I will say though, I'm scared out of my freakin mind about University. My brother says that MacEwan is soo much easier, and I totally think it is judging from the amount of work I've had to put into it to stay afloat compared to my university friends. So the big dillemma comes to, how will my performance compare to the University standard? If I'm having trouble at the easy school right now, then I must be screwed when I come to the U (that's assuming I get accepted to begin with).

So yeah, those are my inner thoughts about the whole school issue. I always find myself doing more socializing and keeping up with friends than focusing on my schoolwork. Its funny because my friends seem to be doing the complete opposite.

So after writing this, I realized that I have to make some BIG priorities in my life. I remember telling myself before the first year even began "Keep in mind why you're here, and how lucky you are to be here. Show them why you deserve to be where you are." So the huge things I have to change are: my time management (I keep getting WAAY more sleep than I really need, almost makes me MORE tired than usual), keeping in my mind what goals I have (I need that FRIGGIN 3.2-3.3 to get my acceptance), and use the resources that I am given (the fact that my brother went through the exact same program, and asking my friends at MacEwan for help or just to keep me on track).

There I'm done...